All right – well, I’m actually feeling better, which is screwing up the whole point of this blog. Heaven help me if things keep looking up.

Is this depression? I ask that because I’m trying to figure out the difference between depression and clinical depression. I always felt ashamed, in a way, because I probably DON’T have clinical depression. I figured that clinical depression began where the opinion of “all right, stop whining and get over it” ended.

I’m also concerned that I’m not giving enough attention to all the anxiety I have. Have I made a mistake on the theme of the blog? – But then it occurred to me, as I was walking down the street in Southern California on a Sunday wearing a button up shirt (because I always hope I’ll get the opportunity to get up on stage, and I have to maintain my comedic image of the “business casual Jew”) – it occurred to me that a large part of why I have anxiety is because I am afraid of falling back into depression. So my depression and my anxiety are connected – they’re two characters in the Marvel universe of my neuroses, and they cross over into each other’s netflix series many, many times. I really hate that metaphor, but I’m keeping it, because it’s accurate.

I also feel some relief in knowing that, even though I feel better today, I’ll be right back in the gutter sooner or later. Why relief, you ask? Because I’d hate to lie to you.

Yet another concern – a comedian named Dana Eagle (@danaeagletweets) wrote a very funny book called “How To Be Depressed, A Guide,” and now I’m afraid that by me talking about depression, I’m stepping on somebody else’s turf. So, to recap, these are my fears:

Death
Copyright infringement
What would happen if an American director got his hands on Dr. Who.

So, I’m going to go ahead and say that I suffer from depression. I don’t

I tried taking one of those three-minute depression tests on line:

A. I have little interest or pleasure in doing things.

1) Not at all
2) Several days
3) More than half the days
4) Nearly everyday.

Well, that’s tough, because I enjoy writing and stand-up (when it’s working) nearly every day. But that’s about it. So if I remove those from the equation, I’d have to say #3.

So it’s #3 except for about a half hour a day.

B. Feeling down, depressed or hopeless.

Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly everyday

I’m going to say more than half the days – 3

C – Trouble falling asleep, or sleeping too much.

Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly everyday

I’m going to say “Nearly everyday” on this one. Either I have trouble falling asleep, or I feel tired during most of the day.

D – Feeling tired or having little energy

Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly everyday

I’ll go with several days – but here’s my question – if the other part of the time is spent feeling awake, but only because of the severe anxiety, how does that track?

E – Poor appetite or overeating

Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly everyday

Several days – if I’m really depressed, I don’t have an appetite. But if I’m moderately depressed, I tend to binge on sugar products even though I’m full.

F – feeling bad about yourself, or that you are a failure or have let yourself or your family down.

Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly everyday

Nearly everyday – this one is my jam! Definite favorite on the playlist.

G – Trouble concentrating on things, such as reading the newspaper or watching television

Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly everyday

I’ll go with several days – lately, I’ve been noticing my mind wandering during movies – unless the movie really has me, I’m finding myself worrying about something. Although, the trouble concentrating could also be because I have a touch of the millennial in me.

H – Moving or speaking so slowly that other people could have noticed.

Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly everyday

I’m going to go with “not at all” on this one. But I have probably walked behind somebody who was suffering from this, and I got aggravated and thought mean things about them as I passed, so now I can go back to hating myself – see question F.

I – thought that you would be better off dead or hurting yourself

Not at all
Several days
More than half the days
Nearly everyday

Several days on this one – the first time I felt this was in high school after finding out I didn’t make it into Advanced Acting. The irony is that if I put all the emotion of not getting into advanced acting into the advanced acting audition, I might have gotten into advanced acting (see question F)

J – If you’ve had any days with issues above, how difficult have these problems made it for you at work, home, school, or with other people

Not difficult at all
Somewhat difficult
Very difficult
Extremely difficult.

3 on this one – things will set me off and I will angry/sad about them, sometimes for days. I’m not so good with letting things roll off my shoulder. I have a theory – there are two kinds of people – people who are not good with letting things roll off their shoulder, and people who I don’t want to talk to. (See question F)

According to the test results, I’m suffering from “moderate to severe depression.” So now I feel confident enough to write a blog that will hopefully make me famous. I can breathe a sigh of relief.

See? I knew it was worse than “mild depression.” But don’t tell my insurance.

My name is Joshua Snyder, and when I was in middle school, I was diagnosed with “mild depression.” This diagnosis was given to me because if I was diagnosed with “wow-this-kid-is-screwed-depression,” my insurance premiums might one day be higher.

Today, I realized that I’ve been depressed pretty much every day of my adult life. And after all these years of pain and suffering, there’s only one thing left to do: write a blog that hopefully becomes popular enough to make money.

This blog is the antithesis of self-help. I’m probably saying and doing things that are not helping with my depression. In fact, this should be a “how-not-to cope with depression” blog. Here’s the other thing I want you to know about life: it might not get better, kids! So if you, too, are depressed, I recommend you watch an episode of the Care Bears instead. Not because they care, but becuase they have the power to vaporize people with love – which seems imperialistic to me, but what to I know?

I hesitated to write this for a long time becuase I want to be funny about it, and comedy involves specifics, and I don’t want to get too specific about people in my life. But then it dawned on me: the people who I am around are completely different than the people I was around 20 years ago, and nevertheless, I am still depressed. So maybe it’s not them. (Emphasis on the maybe).

I also hesitated to write it because I figured my depression was mild, and that it would only be valid if I was suffering from major depression. But then I began to think about my life: I’ve only had sex with one person, and it took me 32 years to do it. I’m a struggling comedian who has avoided submitting to perform at colleges because they tend to like performers who are lively and upbeat, and I am not that kind of person. So my mild depression is severe enough to prevent me from doing who and what I love. So screw it, I’m writing a blog.

Hopefully you will laugh at this blog, and perhaps, you may cry, but if you remember one thing above everything else, remember this: Highlander 2 is the greatest film of the 20th century.