Josh And Depression Vs. The World: Day 26
So the title change is an attempt to look at the situation differently, so that when bad things happen, I can continue to not deal with them well.
Namely, I’m trying to view depression as a “constant companion,” to quote Dr. Who. (I’m not feeling depressed at this moment, so my companion has taken a momentary bathroom break. But don’t worry, depression knows where I am. Depression has Siri.)
But I’m hoping this team up of sorts will help me get through the day. Maybe I can make a whole super team: Josh, Depression, Anxiety, and Lactose Intolerance. It’s the Four Horsemen of the Star Trek convention.
I’m finding, more than anything, that what I seek is equanimity. I shouldn’t write that – that’s really tempting fate. But it’s the truth. I’m looking for a kind of mental peace. I’m looking for simplicity. I long for the life that Thoreau led on Walden Pond, but with an Applebees within walking distance.
Perhaps, what I am seeking, whether it be artistically or emotionally, is presence. And perhaps the seeds and roots of depression lie in the past and the future. Ooh, I should trademark that thought.
There are days where I ask myself if it’s possible to let things go – to just snap my fingers and suddenly not be concerned anymore. I wonder if it is ultimately that simple. I wonder whether or not it is as easy as “getting over it.”
“The Buddha always gives you just enough problems.” Well, who the hell does his guy think he is?
I find myself taking a certain pride in my depression. I was reading about the emergence of gene editing, and the notion that science may soon allow for people to alter the DNA of their unborn children. And I’m asking myself if I would have wanted such a thing done to me. The answer, of course, is yes. Have you seen my kneecaps?
But seriously, folks, I don’t know what my answer to this would be. As pointed out by another buddhist book I read once, often times those elements of our personality that we deem as “negative” are connected with other elements that are “positive.” Without my depression, I may no longer have something I cherish about myself – like, for instance, my sense of worry. And then what would I be? Happy? I find such a thought offensive and odious, to say the least!