Josh And Depression Vs. The World: Day 41
I bombed last night onstage, so I am depressed today. I’d say I suffer from conditional depression, but what happens if every other condition causes the depression.
The good news is, there is no hope. I say that to remind myself that even if/when I achieve my goals, there will still be problems. So I should be thankful I’m depressed. If I’m depressed, it means I’m not dead. And that’s probably a good thing.*
I know I’ve in this place before, and I know I’ve already written a blog post about this. So, how can I make this blog post different than other blog posts about depression? What is unique about my depression today?
I find I’m self-medicating by watching Star Trek: Deep Space Nine in the morning. Of all the Star Treks, I seem to be choosing the one with the moodiest mood lighting. Probably not advisable, under the circumstances.
I’m tired of telling myself that everything is going to work out. I’m also tired of giving myself pep talks. I’m tired of “positive energy.” Let me rephrase. If positive energy happens by itself, then great. But I’m tired of faking positive energy. I hate everyone who is succeeding right now.
“You should be happy for the success of others,” I’ve been told. Why? They’re successful. They need me to be happy for them on top of it? If successful people want to help me, they should immediately inform me whenever they fail.
That’s the service I am providing in this blog. I don’t want to waste your time with stories of how great things are going for me. I only want you to know what’s wrong. Finally, I feel like I’m giving back to my fellow humans!