I can tell I’m feeling better because I am panicking about my health. Are these heart palpitations or an irregular heartbeat. I feel heavy and light headed at the same time. It’s quiet right now. Too quiet. What bad thing is about to happen?
I have an urge to be in nature. I’ve always felt an innate compassion that emanates from the trees. Which means that trees are either compassionate or at least polite enough to fake it.
I want to be in nature, but I don’t want to go on a hike. I hate hiking. Ideally, I would be carried by four assassin-trained servants on a guided throne of gold through the forest. But hey, we can’t all be Tesla.
I’d love an assassin-trained servant. Not only can they clean out the fifty or so empty bottles of sparkling water in my room, but they could use those bottles (even the plastic ones) as deadly weapons in a bind.
Maybe I’m having a problem with how I am processing sugar. The problem is, I’m not processing enough of it! I’ll be here all week!
Did comedians actually say “I’ll be here all week?” I think they did. All the way back to the first comedian who said “I’ll be here all week,” and God said “I’ll only be able to see the Sunday show.” I regret the last few sentences.
But seriously, back to what I hope is not a heart condition. I notice, right after intense periods of stress, that my body acts weird. My mother said that this was the stress catching up to me. So now, right after intense periods of stress, I start worrying about the physical aftershocks. It’s getting to the point where I am never not stressed – and the good thing about that is that if I am always stressed, then the after affects won’t affect me until after I’m dead. See, the key is you have to outsmart your neuroses. Cue “The More You Know” music.
I don’t want the last paragraph of this to be about heart conditions. My obsessive compulsive mind is telling me that if the last paragraph is about heart conditions, then I will develop a heart condition.
It’s not that I don’t think the Iron Giant was a bad movie, but is it really THAT beloved? Did they ever explain why it was sent to earth? I can’t remember. But if aliens built it to conquer, and it didn’t conquer, that had to be a bad day at the Iron Giant post op.
CHIEF: What do you mean, it befriended a ten-year-old boy?
SCIENTIST: Have you seen the boy? He’s very endearing.
CHIEF: You programmed it to kill. How does it even have the ability to form a friendship?
SCIENTIST: We gave it intelligence.
CHIEF: Why did you need to do that. We could have just launched a giant missile at the humans.
SCIENTIST: Yes, missiles are effective, but can you have a decent conversation with them?
CHIEF: You’re just really really lonely, aren’t you? That’s why you built this thing?
SCIENTIST: I can’t believe my wife fell in love with a cartographer! Somehow, he found the map to her heart.
CHIEF: Get out of my office.