Josh and Depression Vs. The World: Day 45

I’m finding that, rather than cultivating a mutually beneficial relationship based upon trust and communication, it’s far easier to not leave my apartment.

I’m also finding that, rather than sharing my feelings to people, I lecture at them in my shower, say nothing to them in real life, and feel defeated. It gives me an idea for a self-help book entitled “It’s Already Over: A Guide To Maybe Prolonging Death And Possibly Not Always Being Miserable.”

Imagine achieving total detachment. I’d pay good money to see the Buddha working behind the counter at a Starbucks. A woman is screaming at him because she ordered her latte with extra foam, and he smiles and says “so true, so true.”

But we all know it would be more fun to see the Buddha unleash a fireball of energy at the woman (I can only assume that the Buddha would, upon achieving enlightenment, be able to throw a fireball a la Ryu from Street Fighter).

That’s what’s so fun about watching superhero movies – we want justice in our lives, so we live vicariously through the fictional characters who meet out said justice onto people who deserve to be punched and kicked. That’s why a superhero movie where the superhero uses passive resistance would probably be met with questionable box office returns. Nobody wants to watch Batman go on a hunger strike (though it might annoy Joker into surrendering).

Meantime, my diet continues to be a parade of bad choices. They keep saying that if I eat healthy, I will feel better emotionally. I have tried this for extended periods of time, and I can say, with absolute certainty, that this has done nothing for me. Eating healthy doesn’t make me feel joy. It makes me feel aggravated that I can’t have sugar.

I’m reading Eddie Izzard’s autobiography, and I admire this man dearly. He’s talking about how he has quit sugar, and he’s finding that he is enjoying the taste of healthy foods – the sugar was obfuscating his ability to taste natural flavors. I am sure that what he is saying is true. I’m sure that the subtleties of the cucumber have finally been revealed to him after years of living in the shadow of the rice crispy treat. However, as good as a cucumber may taste, it will still never compare with the artificially created genius that is found within every pre-packaged “food” that one may purchase at 7-11 when one is on a path of personal self-destruction.

But as with depression, I’m just, for the moment, trying to watch what I’m doing as opposed to judge. And I appear to be watching myself give myself diabetes. But what is the upside? The sugar blocks the sadness – I can feel it working – it gives me energy and makes me jumpy. It’s a false high. This is very bad indeed. And the last thing I recommend doing is worrying about eating too much sugar while eating too much sugar. That’s like when you play that game “Portal” and you jump through three portals in a row and it gives you increased velocity to, in turn, fly up onto a platform 100 feet in the air. Yes, like that, but with real world consequences and death involved.

Watch – I go through all this worrying, and then the planet blows up in ten years anyway.

But don’t let me get you down. Have fun. I’m sure it’ll work out for you.

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