Josh And Depression Vs. The World: Day 51
Tremendous anxiety this morning. I’m terrified that I’m going to have a heart attack – these are my thoughts late at night. When is that thing going to come along that kills me? When is the other shoe going to drop? I seem to have that thought the moment I could fall asleep. I’m dozing off, and my brain suddenly shouts “you just had fried food – cholesterol! Cholesterol!”
I worry about what might happen, and then I get depressed about what does happen, and then I go home and watch YouTube clips of old talk show segments. And that’s when things are going well in life.
I don’t feel like I am living my life to the fullest. I know that being rich and successful doesn’t guarantee that I will live life to the fullest, but since I’m going to be depressed no matter what I do, I’d rather be depressed while being rich and successful.
I don’t want to live an extravagant life. I just want to afford to have a doctor and a lawyer always present. It would also be cool if both the doctor and the lawyer were ninjas. Now this is the premise for a comic book if I ever heard one.
I’m trying to write a set about Westerns, and how I hate them. The day is always saved with guns – the older I get, the less I like watching violent films. Maybe this is why I like Batman – he saves the day without using guns. Well, it depends on the movie – the most recent Batman shot a grappling gun at a crate and somehow had the strength to throw the crate into a the bad guy, smashing and killing him. At that rate, he may as well just use the gun.
The guy runs into the room, takes a grenade, pulls out the pin and looks at Batman as if to say “your move.” This is not the guy you want to make any long term plans with. The one good thing about him is that he really does live in the present moment. No trace of worrying about the future here.
I’m just tired of seeing cowboy movies where the cowboy saves the day by having slightly better aim than the villain. I want to see a cowboy movie where, right at the climax, the villain says “you know, I’ve been paying attention this whole time, and it’s clear to me that your aim is just slightly better. So I surrender.” And the good guy says “what?” And the bad guy says “You win. I don’t want to die. I have a terrific lawyer, I think I can get off on a RICO charge. Actually, if you shoot me and just injure me, I’ll be able to collect disability. Can you shoot me in the arm, or something? Don’t hit me anywhere vital. Here, blow off my little toe. I’ll even take off my boot.”