Josh and Depression Vs. The World: Day 52

I sat at a table where I was the youngest, and then a few minutes later, I was sitting at a table where I was the oldest. I felt more comfortable at the table where I was the youngest because it was easier to talk about how there is no hope.

Perhaps that’s why I’ve always felt more comfortable around older people. The last thing I want to hear about is hopes and dreams. I only want complaints. And if I have a smile on my face, by God, you wipe it off with your assessment of our nation’s environmental practices.

How is it that I like where I am at in life, and yet at the exact same time, I hate where I’m at in life. Well, I suppose it could be worse – it could be straight hatred all across the board. And you know something – it will be worse.

That’s what gets me about life in general. The degradation part of it. But I guess that’s how the universe works. It expands, and energy transforms from one state to another. The question is, will the universe keep expanding until it fades out into nothingness, or will it compress back down into something that explodes again, starting the cycle over. The point is, I hate that I don’t have natural sexual charisma.

Here’s what happens when I see a woman I am attracted to. I think “she’s attractive,” and then I think “I can’t imagine being with her. That just doesn’t seem right. She should be with that guy over there who doesn’t injure his knee by sitting down.”

Is this the result of a pattern of negative thinking that has turned into a world view? Or this this a truthful assessment? I feel like only a divorce court could make that final statement.

I’m also terrified that I’m going to lose all my talent. But if talent is based, in part, on suffering – if comedy is, in fact, based on struggle and pain, what I should really be terrified of is how I’m going to fit it all in an hour. This should be the last thing I’m worried about, which is why it’s the first thing I’m worried about. You’d think, at the very least, I’d be smarter about my worrying.

I miss being able to eat Frosted Flakes without severe consequences. There’s a food I can get behind. “Frosted Flakes: Yes, sure, keep telling yourself it’s part of a complete breakfast. Denial is essential to survive in the 21st century.”

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