Josh and Depression Vs. The World: Day 57
I’m terrified that I have a heart problem. It feels like palpitations, and a momentary weakness – a flutter of the heart. Mild sweats. Fatigue. WebMD is useless – according to WebMD, either I’m hyperventilating or I’m a Southern Belle who has the vapors.
This is why I was rich. If I were rich, I would have a doctor at my side at all times (bonus points if he was also a ninja). He could run some tests on his medical tricorder that I’m sure rich people have, and tell me it’s in my head.
It’s been difficult trying to relax. I’m writing this at a coffee shop, and I’m watching a moth try to escape to the outside, but the moth is struggling with the concept of a window. I feel a kinship with the moth – everything the moth wants is on the other side of that window, but it cannot understand how windows and doors work. So to, do I see everything I want on the other side of a window of self-doubt.
When I get on stage and my primary objective is to talk to the audience and have a conversation with them, things are fine. When my objective is to prove how good I am as a writer, I’m stuck behind the window.
I’ve also noticed the heart palpitations when I try to do anything physical – could this be the beginning of the end? This can’t be the end – there’s so much more in the world that I want to continue to hate. So many more grudges to hold against people without ever telling them I’m holding a grudge against them in the first place. I’m crafting a life, here, damn it!
I’ve always had this suspicion that Confucius’s mother didn’t take his crap. “Don’t quote yourself at me. You don’t know anything. You haven’t had kids!”
Meanwhile, Rex the surfer and Marvin, his shark sidekick, (characters from the previous blog – see day 56) are on the case of the murdered Instagram Celebrity.
REX: I need to surf.
MARVIN: We’re in the middle of a homicide investigation here.
REX: I do my best thinking while surfing.
MARVIN: So you’re saying that whenever you need to do serious thinking, you have to surf?
REX: That’s right.
MARVIN: How did you get through your SAT’s?
REX: I didn’t. I asked my teacher if I could catch just one wave, and she said no. I was one wave away from Harvard, Marvin. One wave.
MARVIN: That’s a tough break.
REX: Did you talk to Linda?
MARVIN: Sort of.
REX: Marvin, where’s Linda?
MARVIN: Who can say?
REX: Where’s Linda, Marvin?
MARVIN: I think, subconsciously, she wanted to end it.
MARVIN: I convinced her to have lunch around Amity Island.
REX: Marvin, you know as well as I do that Amity Island has a sheriff who gets to the bottom of things. Sharks should never attack in that kind of a situation.
MARVIN: I only knew that peripherally.
REX: I’m not sure what that means.
MARVIN: Anyway, I’m sure it was painless. I mean, if an oxygen tank explodes inside your mouth – that’s pretty instant, right?
REX: Oh my God, Marvin.
MARVIN: She was cheating on me with a dolphin! Ok! Look, Rex, I’m a shark. I deal with things differently than humans. I could have just mauled her to death. But I didn’t. I let nature take it’s course.
REX: Why do I keep getting partnered with these loose cannons?
MARVIN: I’m not so much a loose cannon as I am a sort of an Iago figure.
REX: That might be worse.
MARVIN: Well, certainly for Linda.