Josh and Depression Vs. The World: Day 59

The aggravation never ends – I’m not even convinced that it ends after death. I have a feeling, after death, there is more aggravation of some kind. At the very least, an awkward conversation.

The older I get, the more I find that if I don’t say or do anything to help, the situation seems to work itself out on its own. I don’t want to come off sounding like I don’t care, or that I don’t pull my weight – I’ve just noticed that the best thing I can do, especially when people around me are upset, is wait for them to stop talking, look at them, and then continue not taking action.

I recall reading stories about how buddhist monks would achieve enlightenment just by sitting in silence next to their teachers. I’d say more, but that defeats the purpose of the point I’m trying to make.

What is that point? The point is that there will always be suffering and aggravation. The most I can hope for is to look at it and go “oh, that’s interesting.” I guess the term for this is “detachment.” Detachment is fantastic until I am no longer detached. That’s the biggest problem I’ve seen with detachment. The re-attachment is killer.

I am trying to stop eating sugar today. Which explains why I am tired, sad, depressed, weary, and, as a result, mildly bemused with the chaos that exists around me.

I’m going to see what happens if I eat right and do a bit of exercising. My guess is that I will go from being depressed and unhealthy to being depressed and a little less unhealthy. Thus will in increase the chances of adding a few extra months onto my life.

Have I truly lived? I don’t know. I have never been in love. I have never seen the Mediterranean Sea at sunset. I still don’t think I’ve seen a Batman movie where they really know how to handle the fact that he wears a cape and repels from buildings. It never looks real to me – even the Nolan films.

But it’s a comic book movie, people would say to me. I don’t care. I want a Batman who can successfully observe the laws of physics. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

But back to the depression – it feels a bit numb and outside of me today. Typically, it gets worse in the fall and winter. It didn’t used to, but in the past few years, that’s when it gets really bad. So I’m racking my brains, trying to come up with a way to avoid it – but there is no avoiding it, ultimately – I don’t want to run from this anymore. I want to face my demons and say “I have an attorney!”

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