The whole point of this blog is to find the humor in my depression. So here’s the set-up I’m working with today: I feel like killing myself. Is it too hacky to follow that with “…am I right ladies?” I would argue that it depends upon the delivery.
But I’m not going to lie to you. I feel like killing myself today. I feel like there is no hope for the kind of future that I want. And that no matter what I do, I will never be the success I want to be, and I will never find the kind of love I want to experience. I always feel this way in the fall, which means my depression knows when to expect pumpkin spice lattes.
When I envision my best possible future, it involves me, in my mid-fifties, alone and broke, sitting at my mother’s grave, telling her about my latest screenplay idea, and lamenting that it is not four-quadrant enough to be marketable.
I struggle to get out of bed. I lack the motivation to do the things I like doing. I feel the total absence of joy. In other words, I’m finally ready to write alt-rock music.
I have lost the motivation to tell all the stories that excite me. I’m losing my motivation to write things that make me laugh. Fortunately, my sugar addiction has never been better. Thank God for some small miracles.
Work is kind of distracting, until it gets late, and I get too tired to concentrate, but not tired enough to ponder the hopelessness of my life.
It’s worse when I’m alone. But the thought of being with somebody for the sake of not being alone sickens me. I don’t want to use somebody as a human night light. I want to be self-sufficient- like Mad Max- yes, he was lonely and miserable, but he somehow always managed to get his car serviced.
I fantasize about how I will end my life. I will go to the mountains, because why be depressed when I can also be annoyed. I hate overlooks and I have asthma.
I will climb to the top of a mountain – ok, a foothill. Asthma.
I will turn my back to the edge of the cliff, I will take out a gun, and I will blow my brains out and fall over the side, to ensure that, one way, or another, I die, and by the time they find me, it will be too late for them to save me, if they find me at all. And my death will be a tragedy to one or two, sad to some, a footnote to many, and meaningless to billions. (that last sentence is a terrific sentence, and not only do I feel guilty reveling in the quality of my own writing, but I ALSO feel disappointed that, even though it is a well-written sentence, it is not FUNNY. You have to admit that my ability to destroy even a shred of self-respect is unparalleled).
And my remains will be absorbed into the earth and become the trees and the rain and the fog and the tears of others, and the pageantry will be carried out by new generations of disaffected. And with my luck, that’s when they finally make a Justice League movie that works.
Here’s the absolute kicker: all my life, when I’ve fallen into this dark place, I’ve hoped and prayed that someone would come along or something would happen to pull me out. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to be saved. If I’m saved, then I become indebted.
[Random thought: what if Thanos meant to kill the OTHER half of all people? He mixed it up the way we sometimes copy and paste the wrong excel spreadsheet column, and he figured it out when he went to his favorite pastry shop and Mitch, the baker, had been reduced to dust, while his less-than-stellar assistant, Rupert, was still standing. Granted, he had the infinity Gauntlet, so he could probably bring back the people he wanted to bring back and destroy the people he wanted to destroy – but that would probably involve a whole new excel spreadsheet, or at least a new tab.]
[Random thought 2: you think there was ever a time when a Zen Master asked a student about whether or not a tree falling in the forest makes a sound if no one is around to hear it, and the student replied by saying “I think I’ll stick with the prescription drugs.”]
One thing keeps me going – seeing how bad it can get. It’s like slowing down near a car wreck, except, I am slowing down and staring at myself as a lower-middle class 36-year-old “comedian” who has lived a life so uneventful, he notices the carpet pattern on the Bridge of the Starship Enterprise.
I debate whether or not to post this – my biggest fear is that the Facebook algorithm will take it upon itself to connect me to a helpline.
“But at least you have your health.” People have said that to me before. “You’re right. I have my health. In fact, I’m healthy enough to take this baseball bat and bash your face in. I’m healthy enough to take your health away. Thanks for cheering me up.”
I’m a tired, lonely, failure. Not old, but not that young anymore. “Don’t give up,” people say to me. Perhaps they’re right – perhaps that is game – yes, I’m a failure, but how long can I continue to be a failure? If I can do this into my eighties – well, there’s an achievement.
Failure. That’s what I keep coming to. Failure. What if that’s the root of all of this depression – running from failure. I have to turn around and head into the failure. Face the failure head on.
[Random Thought 3: What does Enya listen to to relax? Please tell me it’s Poison.]
I’m too afraid to ask out women I’m attracted to. I have failed at even attempting to be in a relationship.
[Random Thought 4: the Enya song “sail away” works because it evokes the image of a ship gliding across the ocean. The song would not work as well if it were called “segue away.”]
I lack the courage to show my work to people for fear of it being rejected.
[Random Thought 5: Pikachu is depressed because no matter how hard he tries, he will never be taken seriously as a classical flautist.]
I’m afraid to say I’m good enough.
[Random Thought 6: Aren’t all stores “outlet” stores? What store is there where you cannot remove any of the products from the building?]
I’m afraid of being rejected so I reject others first.
[Random Thought 7: Where women are concerned, shouldn’t it be called “libida?”]
I still care what other people think about.
[Random Thought 8: I’d like to see a Phantom of the Opera movie where, right when the Phantom is about to kill somebody, he is accosted by an actual supernatural phantom who says “THAT’S not a Phantom. THIS is a phantom!”]
I’m oversensitive and I hate being wrong or being critiqued.
[Random Thought 9: In spite of all the hoopla, I actually think the Hulk is pretty credible.]
I guess I’ll keep going and not give up.
[Random Thought 10: I think the reason Thanos won in Infinity War Part 1 is because he knew that all the Avengers from all the movies would be far too preoccupied introducing themselves to each other to save the day in time.]