I’ve transitioned from depressed to afraid, so it looks like things are on the mend! It’s a relief to return to not being able to digest anything, due to the immense panic. It’s like I’m young again.
People aren’t reassuring me by telling me that I’m “young.” Anymore. They’re saying I’m “still young.” That means I’m three years away from “you’re a failure.” Though I would argue that I’m a failure now – so when it comes to failing, I’m ahead of my time.
I have come to the following conclusion after doing this blog for nearly three months: I have to face my fears.
1 – I recorded a comedy album in March. I’m going to release it by October 1st.
2 – My goal is to record a new comedy album next March.
3 – Starting October 1st, I’m going to be writing and starring in a webseries – let’s say five episodes. It’s either going to be a vlog about my life or a multipart epic science fiction adventure that rivals anything written by Bradbury or Asimov. We’ll see what the focus groups say.
4 – Wild Card – maybe I’ll also write a comedic novel due November 1st. It might be a graphic novel without the graphics.
These are the big fears.
I’m not sure what to say after that. I could go on and harp or complain or lament, but I’m suddenly not feeling the desire to do that.
There’s another monumental fear that I’m not even looking at yet – that would be the fear of relationships. The above fears, in many ways, are easy – they involve me either in my room by myself, or protected onstage by the barrier between performer and audience. But I’m taking baby steps.
I was talking about depression with my cousin (it runs in our family. More specifically, it IS our family.)
He was telling me about how we get caught up in the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves and about the world around us. (The story I am telling myself is written, with much enthusiasm, by Victor Hugo.)
I suppose the trick is to identify the story I am telling myself as just that – a story. And this is where we meet up with Zen concepts – we must recognize that our thoughts are “thoughts,” and inso doing, we begin to see the illusion of our existence and achieve a higher level of equanimity and peace. Or we should just drink. At this point, it’s a toss up.
Last night, I tried counting my breaths in order to fall asleep. Here’s how that went:
One… two… three… MY LIFE IS FALLING APART THERE IS NO LOVE IN THE UNIVERSE I WILL DIE FORGOTTEN… I lost count… one… two… three… I THINK I’M FINALLY STARTING TO FALL ASLEEP – NOW I’M WIDE AWAKE – I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AGAIN – I lost count… one… two… three… I CAN HOLD IT IN UNTIL MORNING BUT THAT’S UNHEALTHY I lost count.
I was finally able to get to sleep. It was right around that time that my alarm decided to go off.
And now I’m here writing this. Perhaps, at the end of the day, the only way for me to deal with depression is to keep myself busy. Depression needs a project – it’s too bad my depression isn’t a good contractor. For all the hours that its around, I could have central air by now.