Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 34

Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 34

Here’s how I failed today:

I failed to write a failure blog yesterday – so you could say I succeeded at failing at the failure blog. Because the key is to have a positive attitude.

I also am failing to have a positive attitude. Controlling my feelings has always been the issue – but I spend my days swallowing how I feel.

Why? Because the anger I feel is irrational. And that is my flaw – it was pointed out to me by somebody else, and it is the truth – I get upset, and what I am getting upset over is meaningless.

So that’s why I’m doing stand-up – for once, I get to let myself be upset over nothing. I think that’s why I find myself doing what I’m doing. I have to dare to be honest.

I’m really sad and really lonely. (That’s subtext of 99% of all facebook posts – even the ones posted by Russian Hackers).

In my mind, I see this woman – she is a fantasy woman – created by me – her face changes but the principle is the same – I pretend I am with her. She accepts me for who I am. Which is a petulant and angry person. A spoiled little brat who throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants. And this fantasy woman is somehow ok with all of that.

Perhaps no person like this exists. Perhaps it’s foolish to wish for such a thing to be so.

I am angry with people who are not bad people. Which means I am really angry with myself. I’m mad at myself because I am not where I want to be. I am mad at myself because I am getting tired and losing hope.

So what am I going to do about this? For once in my life – I’m going to let myself be the three year old I’ve always been in situations where I don’t stand to lose money. Like this blog, for instance.

I get really irritated with people I’ve never met before.

I go to the same Coffee Bean every day. I see other people who go there every day. I hate these people. For no reason other than they remind me of myself – WHY DON’T THESE PEOPLE VARY MY ROUTINES?

My fear is that one of them is going to follow me home and murder me. Why me? Because we live in an Albert Camus world. Aka “The World.” All I ask is to go to a coffee bean, spend as little as possible, stay for as long as possible and write, and have 0% of the people around me bothering me in any conceivable way. Unless the person sitting next to me is an attractive woman who is not too much happier than I am. I want her to initiate a conversation – but I don’t want her to be forceful about it.

But that’s not how the world works. I’m supposed to put effort into dating. I’m supposed to go on dating websites. Get to know people. Go out with people.

“How will you know you like the person unless you go out with them,” my dad says. Because people (including myself) aren’t that difficult to figure out. I know they say “don’t judge a book by its cover,” but let’s not pretend that any of us are books. At best, we’re short stories – more like packets.

Now this is the part where I say to myself “I’m wrong about this – people are deep, wide, open pools of love and energy and contain the potential of a thousand thousand suns.” And to that part of myself I say “Then YOU talk to these schmucks.”

Just saw a guy with a tattoo who does not look like a hipster with a tattoo – this looks like a legitimate tattoo situation. By that I mean either he’s killed a man or he worked on the cars of people who have killed.

Sometimes I’ll look at a couple, and I’ll think to myself “they deserve each other.” I’m witnessing karma in it’s full effect. He’s an asshole, she’s an asshole and maybe there is Justice.

Spoilers on Hondas – STOP IT! How dare you doll up the vehicle that screams “I’m CONSIDERING A ROTH IRA!”

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