Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 39
Here’s how I am failing today: I am lonely and I have been lying to myself about it.
The irony is that I love being alone – I can make my own decisions, watch whatever I want to watch, and not be told I am wrong. It’s a paradise. However, there’s also this thing about human beings being communal animals, etc, etc, etc.
I don’t want to date. I hate dating. I hate it. I hate it. I hate the whole concept of it. I hate sitting there having an awkward conversation. I am a chronically depressed and aggravated person. Why must I interrupt that with banal conversation?
Ah, but if I really click with somebody, perhaps I will no longer be depressed? I don’t care how many racing stripes and spoilers you put on a Honda – it’s a Honda at the end of the day. I’m not sure if that’s the right metaphor. Hondas are good cars. I’m more of a Yugo.
I am not a happy person, and sometimes, the last thing I want somebody else to do is try to cheer me up or fix me. Am I saying I choose to be depressed? Well, yes, but it’s not like I’m at home conjuring it. But it seems that when I’m depressed, people around me either get uncomfortable or try to fix me. And neither works. I am what I am.
But back to the whole dating thing – people tell me I need to lower my standards.
What the hell does that even mean? I don’t know how it works with other people, but either I’m attracted to somebody or I am not attracted to somebody. I’m not running them through a 15-point inspection.
Well, I suppose I answered my own question. “Lower your standards” = just date anybody, even if you are not attracted to them.
This notion frustrates me.
Maybe because it means there is no magic in the world of love and romance. It’s like buying a car. You get the best you can, and hope it lasts.
I want to avoid being in a bad relationship – what do I mean by a bad relationship? A relationship where two people are screaming at each other. A relationship where there isn’t mutual affection. So, most relationships.
Am I lying to myself? Deep down, do I truly want to be alone? A wise man once told me that we say we want certain things, and we should pay attention to what we are actually doing. I say I want a relationship, but I seem to be going out of my way to avoid one. So, deep down, perhaps I really don’t want one.
And yet, I am still lonely.
Perhaps both are true at the same time. I am lonely. I don’t want to be in a relationship.
I don’t have the answer.