Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 4

I just realized that I am afraid of everything. Ironically, the only thing I’m not afraid of is eating processed sugar, which is actually much worse for me than everything else that I am afraid of.

I’m afraid of being in crowds of people (I define a crowd of people as more than one person). I’m afraid of not knowing what to do next – of jumping into a situation without a plan (in my case, plan = worrying about all the worst case scenarios).

I’m afraid of failure (hence the topic of this blog). So it dawns on me – what if I define myself as a failure – more than that – what if failure is my brand?

Joshua Snyder: Just Do It and Immediately Apologize.

A friend of mine was telling me how the latest generation seems to appreciate people who admit to their failures. If that’s the case, I am their God.

I’m afraid of asking out women who I find attractive. It feels like walking up to a Ferrari salesman and asking “is there any chance this particular model is in my price range?”

I’m afraid of being made fun of by my peers. Which is why I chose a profession where my job is to be laughed at by my peers.

I’m afraid that other comedians will not think that I am funny. Screw the audience- I want a thumbs up from Seinfeld. That’s a lie – I want a thumbs up from both Seinfeld and the audience, which brings me to my next fear:

I’m afraid I’m not loved enough. It’s too bad I’m looking for love from the very people I despise. This is why I’d be a cat person, if not for the allergies.

I’m afraid of hurting people’s feelings, and the best way to avoid this is to not leave my apartment.
The biggest fear is that I am not good enough – that my instincts are wrong.
Now this is one that causes me much grief.

“What would I do if I were not afraid?” I heard that said at an Alanon meeting once. What would I do if I were not afraid?. I can see how this could be taken to a ridiculous extreme. “Well, I would jump off a roof in an attempt to fly.”

But that’s the question, isn’t it? I suppose that is the question. What would I do if I were not afraid? Build it myself. What do I mean by that? Exactly what I said. Build it myself. Build a following myself. Not have to rely on anyone else. – Ah, but am I doing this because I am not afraid, OR am I doing this because I am too afraid to get close to other people? Because I am too afraid to let other people help me?

I know the answer to this question, sadly – I am too afraid of other people – hence my desire to do everything myself. And my desire to build my own following stems from my fear of insecurity.

So, in all likelihood, I am making fear-based decisions that I didn’t even realize. I’m so afraid, that even when I think I’m being brave, I’m actually just avoiding fear.

On bad days, I’m terrified. On good days, I’m slightly less fearful. Now THAT’S branding.

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