Josh And Failure Vs. The World: Day 8

Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 8

It’s a shame that I know exactly what I need to do and exactly what I want, because now I’m going to have to come up with more inventive excuses as to why I am not doing them.

“Tired” can no longer be an excuse for me. I have to work through the “tired.” Tired is an illusion (unless somebody tells me I have to exercise – in that case, I’m too tired. I will forge a doctor’s note if I have to.)

I’m watching a show about fancy custom designed houses – these are million dollar miracles of architecture. Perhaps I’m just projecting, but every time they interview the owner of the house, the owner of the house seems tired and miserable.

“Yes, we’ve been living in this house now for eight years. It’s my personal sanctuary. When I’m in this house, I can almost relax enough to not have to worry about the mountain of maintenance fees.”

I hate to admit this, but that’s my favorite part of the show – seeing the “Oh my God, what have I done” looks on the faces of the people who spent millions of dollars to live in a house that has it’s own Batcave.

I’m failing at the writing lately – I am not holding myself accountable enough for having punchlines – I should know better than this. But like I said, I have to push through the tiredness.

My fear with this blog is that it will become motivational. Or, to be more accurate, my fear is that I will sound preachy. I want to make people reading this feel better by having them say to themselves “at least I’m not him.” That’s how I can make the world a better place.

So – jokes with punchlines. Yeah that’s what I’ve got to work on.

1 I feel like I can’t relate to anybody.

I had a therapist who said There’s no such thing as a one true love. You have the ability to fall in love with many different people. I think I have the ability to divorce many different people.

I can’t love anyone else until I learn to love myself. Until then, I will have to compromise and have sex with someone I tolerate.

People tell me I should lower my standards. I want to say to them “great, what’s your sister doing later?”

2 I don’t know how to talk to my dad. I’ve tried English, and it’s not working.

3 I’m pretty sure I’m an alcoholic. Alcohol calms me down, and I have this vague notion that there is no hope or God. So I think I qualify.

4 I miss my grandparents. They knew what to say to me because they had learned from screwing up so badly with my mom and her sister.

5 I miss being a kid. I had more energy to hate exercising.

6 I want to be rich enough to not have to clean things myself. My room, my car, a marriage.

7 I’m tired of politics. And everything I’m seeing today was already done in the Star Wars Prequels.

8 I’m afraid I’m going to be broke. I want to be middle class, so I can just barely afford to be not broke.

9 I’m a failure. I’m single. I’m not making a living as a comedian. I care about other people’s feelings.

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