Josh & Depression Vs. The World: Day 82

I’m feeling less suicidal today. They should create an emoji for that – not sure exactly what it would look like, but it would involve some kind of shrug of the shoulders.

I’m focused on facing my fears. Specifically my fear of failure. So what is my fear right now, in this moment of writing this? My fear is that what I am writing here isn’t funny enough. So let’s go back to suicide.

While sitting at dinner during a family night, my grandmother asked me where my mother was, and I said, casually, that she was out back committing suicide. My grandmother said that this was not funny. When I told my mother about it later, my mother disagreed and said that it was, in fact, humorous. So I felt vindicated. And I am also just now realizing that I am my mother.

Random quote:

“Ok, gentlemen, let’s admit it. We’re already sick of peaches.”
Presidents of the United States of America on their second day of vacation in the country.

Back to the blog.

Why do I think about killing myself? Because I feel trapped and helpless. According to the Twelve step program, the first step is to admit that I am powerless, and the second step is to trust in a higher power.

Can my higher power be the power of Anxiety? Of all the powers on earth, I gotta say that anxiety seems to be the most powerful in my life. I could trust in anxiety. I challenge anybody’s other higher power to go up against my higher power. You send the greatest God in the universe up against Anxiety, and Anxiety will have Him wondering if he left the universe unlocked.

I suppose love could also be a higher power. And perhaps I have to trust in love. I think love is something I can trust about 68% of the time. That feels right. Anxiety on the other hand – I don’t know. I’m torn by this one.

No I’m not. Love. That should be the higher power. The idea of trusting in the love of others. That’s the scary thing to do. That’s the very scary thing to do. So that is what I must start doing.

Side note – my skin crawls whenever I use an emoji of any kind. I feel like I’m betraying the spirit of all of my english teachers. Also, I’d like to think I’m decent with the whole “words” thing (this last sentence excluded), so it pisses me off that our method of communication is shifting to a more image-based system. I wonder if anybody under twenty-five has any idea what I’m saying right now.

On the other hand, it is said that a picture is worth a thousand words. Instead of writing this blog, should I just post a picture of a sad face? God, now that I think about it – that might actually say everything I need to say perfectly.

Because what are words if not an abstraction. In other words, could it be possible that, by using one picture, we are actually closer to understanding reality than by using a thousand words? At the end of the day, all Buddha needed to achieve enlightenment was one magic eye puzzle.

I still remember the song to that “Skip It” commercial. But I don’t remember all the happy moments of my childhood. That’s how good that songwriter is.

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