I’m in a horrible place today because I made a mistake, and I’ve spent all night trying to figure out how to blame other people (I’m really close to cracking this – it’s very exciting).
I can just say it’s my fault, which is both correct and taking the high road, but I’m so tired of doing that. Can’t we just skip to the world of Mad Max now instead of waiting another three to five years?
When I tell you that I’m writing this depression blog in order to build a following, become famous, and end up starring in a pretentious limited “dramady” series on Amazon, I’m only half telling the truth. I’m writing this because I’m looking for the humor in depression – because at the end of the day, for me, the only way to get any power out of this is to laugh (I’m paraphrasing a quote by Mel Brooks, in case he or his attorneys are reading).
But back to my current emotional state (which, if I had to pick a comparable state, would be that of Florida). I made the mistake because I was acting out of fear. The irony is that the pain that I inflict upon myself stems, nine times out of ten, from making a fear-based decision. One of the wisest things I ever heard was uttered in an AL Anon meeting. The moderator of the meeting said the following: “when I’m not sure what to do, I ask myself what I would do if I were not afraid.”
So I now ask the question:
ME: What would I do if I were not afraid?
MYSELF: Have sex.
ME: With who?
MYSELF: Yes.
ME: I’m getting the sense that I’m on my own in this.
MYSELF: Yep.
Well, it was a good sentiment.
I should also stop eating meat – I read a book about anger called “Anger” in which the author (a Buddhist monk) explained how we are eating negative emotions. When we mistreat animals, their bodies react by producing toxins which, in turn, we eat. So, in a way, we are “eating” the anger of the animals. My problem is, if I cut out meat from my diet, instead of eating the anger of an animal, I’m generating anger from the eating of a carrot. So it seems like a good old fashioned no-win situation to me.