Josh Vs. Depression: Day 13

I’m worried that if I continue talking about depression, I will only make it worse. Maybe I should talk about only happy things, and then, that will manifest happiness in reality. I’m going to give it a shot:

Josh Vs. Happiness: Day 13

The sun is shining and the birds are singing! I feel wonderful to be alive. Look at that! The flowers are in bloom…

No, I can’t do this. This is making everything worse. Back to what I was doing before.

Josh Vs. Depression: Day 13 – Continued

I don’t feel like going on today. I don’t feel like doing anything – working, writing. I’m 36 years old and I’m not where I want to be. So I tell myself – I’m going to draw up a plan. I’m tired of drawing up plans. The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray. I wonder if the Black Plague was part of the mice’s plan – well, according to the saying, it wasn’t. Perhaps the Black Plague was the horrible byproduct, and the original plan of the mice was to start a really rockin’ music festival. We’ll never know. Mice are notorious for not keeping accurate records of their plans.

Nevertheless, I must go on – maybe diet is a part of the problem. I’m eating too much sugar. Why am I addicted? Sugar is an upper. It could be that simple. It is also more addictive than crack, according to a study conducted by somebody who was probably eating Skittles while they were conducting the study.

I was reading Eddie Izzard’s biography – he was talking about how he had quit sugar, and he was finding that all the other foods out there tasted better. His taste buds were picking up subtleties in taste. I don’t want subtlety. I want the iron smack down of Skittles. I don’t want to taste the rainbow. I want the rainbow to ravage me. Absolutely ravage me.

If you’re feeling the same as I am (about either depression or Skittles), don’t give up on your dreams. Here’s why – if you follow your dreams, you might actually achieve them, and THEN, you’ll be faced with horrors you never expected. My point is that you need to shake up your depression, and what better way to do that than with what seems like a success that will soon erupt into a new and different kind of failure? See, and they say I don’t have a positive attitude.

Depression feels like wearing one of those lead vests that they put over me when they take x-rays of my teeth. Other than sugar, the only thing that momentarily relieves it is the promise of money coming in. That’s how far away from the Buddha I am at this point.

But then, of course, there’s the story of the four horses of the Buddha (warning: I might really mangle this one, so google it). Of the four, the worst horse had to be beaten the most in order to train it. Buddha would take pity on the worst horse. And the worst horse would achieve enlightenment faster than the others because of everything it went through. And I hear that story and I think, “that’s true. Could you please pass the Skittles.”

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