Josh Vs. Depression: Day 17

Feeling better today, emotionally. Feeling worse, physically. I should not have eaten those Lunchables at midnight last night. I figured that if I chose the turkey Lunchables over the ham Lunchables, I would be making the healthier choice. By choosing Turkey, I’m only going to suffer half the day today.

Depression effects what and how I eat. I have tried, in vein, to quit sugar. I use sugar as a pick-me-up, which is unhealthy. I heard recently that eating processed sugar is just as bad for me as smoking. That’s why those 1940’s movies are a bad influence – you know the ones – where the bombshell blonde walks into the detectives office and starts binge eating rice krispy treats.

That’s my current poison – the Starbucks rice krispy treat. According to the packaging, the treat is gluten free. “Well, there you have it,” I tell myself. “I’m turning over a new leaf with regard to my personal health.” You know what else is gluten free? Fallout from a nuclear weapon.

Underneath all of this is the dread of what I like to call “the oncoming storm.” What’s going to come along that will cause me distress. What mistake will I make, or have I already made without me knowing it, that will trigger my depression? It feels like a ticking time bomb.

Oddly, that’s why I have full confidence in continuing this blog. Even though I’m feeling better now, what are the chances that I won’t be better in one, two, or three days? Profoundly high.

So even when I am not depressed, I am still suffering from depression. What a brilliant disorder!

I’m writing this here at the Coffee Bean I always go to. Every day, an older woman comes in. She ties her dog to one of the chairs outside and goes into the Coffee Shop. While she is in the coffee shop, the dog barks non-stop. This is why I hate the human race. If aliens were watching that, they would say to themselves “you know what, we should feel no guilt in wiping this species off of the face of the earth – we mean the humans, not the dogs. The dogs deserve a medal after dealing with these idiots.”

And yet, part of me envies the dog. All the dog needs is to be close to its master. Once that happens, the dog is fine. What the hell am I saying? I have no idea what the dog is thinking. It could be a lose-lose situation for the dog. The dog barks when the master is out of sight, and when the master is there, the dog feels like nobody appreciates the novel he just self-published.

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