It doesn’t matter how good I feel. The fear of falling back into depression is always there. Lurking. Sitting next to the fear of death. I’m pretty sure they carpool.
Maybe the lurking is a good thing. The sheer irony of depression is that, when it lifts, I almost feel a hesitation to let it go. Depression is a safety blanket. If I remain depressed, then I don’t have to go through the enormous pain of falling from a good mood.
I’m not sure if my goal is happiness. My goal is quiet, mixed with not spending money.
There’s a – I don’t know what they are, a family – of people sitting next to me – they have a loud energy. There’s only three of them, but they make enough noise for five or six. And they make annoying noises in very odd ways – the way the shake their sugar packets endlessly – it grates on my nerves. Surely the real problem is within me. I am not satisfied with my life, and as a result, the life around me bothers me. On the other hand, stop shaking a sugar packet non stop. And why are you putting that much sugar in coffee? Just eat a pastry, for God’s sake. Where are these thoughts coming from?
I’m sorry that I am interrupting this blog with complaining about these people, but they’re at this Coffee Bean many times – and I don’t know what it is about them, but they get on my nerves. They’re the kind of family that lives next door to Chevy Chase in an 80’s movie. They’re funny to watch from a distance, but annoying up close.
I’m not even being fair to these people – I’m sure they’re not the monsters I am saying they are.
Granted, as I’m writing this, I am rocking back and forth, and I know that action annoys people. When I sit down at the coffee shop and rock back and forth, people around me very quickly get up and leave. I know I should work on centering myself, but at the same time, if you have a problem with me rocking back and forth, then stop shaking your sugar packets like an animal.
Where was I? Depression. That’s where I was. I’m actually feeling worse now, which is refreshing. For a second there, I was afraid things were going to look up too much.
Maybe it’s because I’m tired. Maybe that’s why these people are annoying me. I stayed up late watching Castlevania last night – it’s a great animated series based on a video game. It’s based, specifically, on Castlevania 3. Yet another example of a Vampire story in which nobody asks the Rabbi for help. Surely Rabbis can fight vampires just as well as priests? The Star of David is practically a throwing star. You know this, don’t you?