Josh Vs. Depression Day 5

A lot of people have been sending me warm wishes after starting this blog, and I am grateful, but I would still also like to be rich and famous. So, as you can see, this is doing wonders for my personal growth.

I’d also like to point out that I had to boost the post of the first blog so that more people could see it. Nice to know that, for a nominal fee, Facebook has my back.

Feeling terrible today. I had terrible sets last night, which is frustrating – I just wish I could be perfect. Is it too much to ask to be a God? And then I couldn’t sleep all night. I tried meditating, which helped give me the focus I needed to weep openly.

Turns out the best way for me to fall asleep is for me to doze off one minute before my alarm goes off.

My working theory is that I don’t allow myself to feel – instead of feeling things, I intellectualize and obsess. And I think this aggravates the depression – emotions are left unexpressed, and it all eventually backs up and weighs down on me. I used to have the opposite problem – I would cry and scream at the drop of a dime whenever I didn’t get what I wanted. So I trained myself not to do that, because I’m supposed to be mature and evolved. It feels so much better to be immature and devolved.

I’m very grouchy this morning because I did not sleep well last night. I can tell by the way the people around me at Coffee Bean just seem so much more annoying than usual. They’re doing nothing different than what they usually do.

And I’m experiencing that cloudy feeling I get when I don’t get a lot of sleep – which concerns me because it’s harder to think. On top of that, when I don’t get a lot of sleep over the span of a few days, I tend to get sick, and I don’t want to get sick at this point –

Though, the irony of getting sick is that it’s the only time I give myself permission to take time off. So I guess we can add “workaholic” to the list of maladies (that could be a spinoff blog, which I could do, because I have the right neuroses for it).

And now I’m frustrated because the whole point of this blog is to find the humor in my experience, and this doesn’t feel funny to me. So now the frustration weighs down on the already existing depression, on top of the lack of sleep, mixed with the digestive irritation that will strike me later after I eat more cookie dough, which I shouldn’t do but will do because I have no self-control and this is turning into a bizarre hybrid of Woody Allen and James Joyce.

I always go back to Hemingway who said “write one true sentence.” Well, here it goes: I really enjoyed the movie “Splice.” Just saw it a few nights ago. I know it’s nine years old, and I’m a bit late getting on the train, but it was quite enjoyable. Thanks, Hemingway.

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