ME: For the first time in awhile, I’m not feeling depressed.
GOD: Oh! Sorry! I’ll get right on it.
That’s my mindset when I’m “happy,” which is not the term I like to use. The term I prefer is “not sad at the moment, but things could change at any second.” It’s a lot more syllables, but also a lot more accurate.
At first, I was concerned this brighter mood would affect a depression themed blog, but then I realized that, the way I see it, depression never really “goes away.” It’s a lot like an addiction – in fact, chemically, it might actually be an addiction, according to a science-based show I watched a long time ago (could I google the name of it, yes, but I’m lazy). That is to say, I see “happiness” as just another cycle of depression. Because, attached to the “happiness” is the anxiety that something or someone will come along to cause the depression to come back.
Reminds me of the whole Hindu/Buddhist cycle of rebirth – the notion that, I because I am attached to x, y, and z, I find myself trapped in a circle of emotional highs and lows. So the next logical step would be for me to meditate every day and strive for enlightenment. (Excuse me while I gorge on rice crispy treats, consoling myself with the fact that they are “gluten free”).
I’m also in a good mood because I had fun onstage last night, and it had been a long time since that had happened – why did I have fun? Because I felt like I was expressing how I felt as opposed to trying to please. When I tell the truth and speak what I feel, I do better. When I try to make people laugh in an effort to show them how intelligent I am, I do worse. You’d think, after eight years, I wouldn’t keep making this same mistake. Kind of reminds me of the Hindu/Buddhist cycle of rebirth. So the next logical step would be for me to meditate every day and strive for enlightenment (Excuse me while I gorge on cookies, consoling myself with the fact that I’m not cheating as badly because the last thing I ate was “gluten free.”)
Here’s the other problem – when I’m in a good mood, I start to feel silly, and write silly jokes. And by the time I get on stage, I will usually be depressed again, so I have no desire to feel silly. Which kind of reminds me of the Hindu/Buddhist cycle of rebirth. So the next logical step would be for me to meditate every day and strive for enlightenment (excuse me while I gorge on cake, because I figure I’m already going to get an upset stomach after having eaten the rice crispy treats and the cookies, so I may as well go all in).
I’m beginning to think that depression is the result of the attempt to control negative emotion. It’s a folding in of energy. It’s a shutting down. So I have to allow myself to feel everything. And this is something I’ve been dreading. Truly dreading. I might actually have to allow myself to feel… joy. How unfortunate.