Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 37

Here’s how I failed lately: I haven’t been keeping up with the blog posts.
I could reframe this to say that I am succeeding at NOT being obsessive about writing this blog, Yes? No. Ok, then.

I’m really struggling to feel motivated to keep going with anything.

And I’m beating myself up over the set I did tonight – why? Because I DIDN’T PLAY TO THE TOP OF MY INTELLIGENCE.

I should know better than this – why do I keep making the same mistakes? I’m very frustrated with myself. Horribly frustrated with myself.

And I also just ate a cookie again, which is terrible, considering I have had bad bowel problems all week.

But to the matter at hand- it’s a battle to feel motivated to keep going. Even writing this blog is a battle. Or am I just losing interest in all of this? Am I on the cusp of giving up a dream, or has the dream simply changed to become something else?

Why am I not playing to the top of my intelligence? Why do I keep settling for work that is less than my best? Why am I not doing what I keep telling everyone else to do, which is to be HONEST?

That’s a terrific question. I just have to keep calling myself out on this until I make the shift –

All I do know is that we have to love each other – and it is only through love that we will triumph over evil.

But remember this about love – it is possible to love all human beings while simultaneously being annoyed and disgusted by them to the point of avoiding them at all costs. I’m pretty sure I’m quoting the Buddha.

Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 34

Here’s how I failed today:

I failed to write a failure blog yesterday – so you could say I succeeded at failing at the failure blog. Because the key is to have a positive attitude.

I also am failing to have a positive attitude. Controlling my feelings has always been the issue – but I spend my days swallowing how I feel.

Why? Because the anger I feel is irrational. And that is my flaw – it was pointed out to me by somebody else, and it is the truth – I get upset, and what I am getting upset over is meaningless.

So that’s why I’m doing stand-up – for once, I get to let myself be upset over nothing. I think that’s why I find myself doing what I’m doing. I have to dare to be honest.

I’m really sad and really lonely. (That’s subtext of 99% of all facebook posts – even the ones posted by Russian Hackers).

In my mind, I see this woman – she is a fantasy woman – created by me – her face changes but the principle is the same – I pretend I am with her. She accepts me for who I am. Which is a petulant and angry person. A spoiled little brat who throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get what he wants. And this fantasy woman is somehow ok with all of that.

Perhaps no person like this exists. Perhaps it’s foolish to wish for such a thing to be so.

I am angry with people who are not bad people. Which means I am really angry with myself. I’m mad at myself because I am not where I want to be. I am mad at myself because I am getting tired and losing hope.

So what am I going to do about this? For once in my life – I’m going to let myself be the three year old I’ve always been in situations where I don’t stand to lose money. Like this blog, for instance.

I get really irritated with people I’ve never met before.

I go to the same Coffee Bean every day. I see other people who go there every day. I hate these people. For no reason other than they remind me of myself – WHY DON’T THESE PEOPLE VARY MY ROUTINES?

My fear is that one of them is going to follow me home and murder me. Why me? Because we live in an Albert Camus world. Aka “The World.” All I ask is to go to a coffee bean, spend as little as possible, stay for as long as possible and write, and have 0% of the people around me bothering me in any conceivable way. Unless the person sitting next to me is an attractive woman who is not too much happier than I am. I want her to initiate a conversation – but I don’t want her to be forceful about it.

But that’s not how the world works. I’m supposed to put effort into dating. I’m supposed to go on dating websites. Get to know people. Go out with people.

“How will you know you like the person unless you go out with them,” my dad says. Because people (including myself) aren’t that difficult to figure out. I know they say “don’t judge a book by its cover,” but let’s not pretend that any of us are books. At best, we’re short stories – more like packets.

Now this is the part where I say to myself “I’m wrong about this – people are deep, wide, open pools of love and energy and contain the potential of a thousand thousand suns.” And to that part of myself I say “Then YOU talk to these schmucks.”

Just saw a guy with a tattoo who does not look like a hipster with a tattoo – this looks like a legitimate tattoo situation. By that I mean either he’s killed a man or he worked on the cars of people who have killed.

Sometimes I’ll look at a couple, and I’ll think to myself “they deserve each other.” I’m witnessing karma in it’s full effect. He’s an asshole, she’s an asshole and maybe there is Justice.

Spoilers on Hondas – STOP IT! How dare you doll up the vehicle that screams “I’m CONSIDERING A ROTH IRA!”

Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 32

I am eating a cookie AS I WRITE about my failure to eat healthy. I am failing while writing about failure simultaneously. This is a new personal worst.

Incidentally, I have a soft spot for desserts at Starbucks and Coffee Bean – you know- desserts that are “fresh.” I like them better than actual fresh desserts that were created by your Sicilian grandmother. Yes, all-natural sugar is good. But it’s not as good as the artificial sugar created by the greatest scientific minds in the world of food science.

I also didn’t write any jokes that I really liked. Perhaps that was because I was trying to write about losing my virginity at 32. You’d think there’s be a ton of material there, and you’d be right. I’m just struggling with facing the reality of it.

Can scientists stop telling me about the health benefits of sex? You know what’s bad for my health? Hearing how great for my health sex is when I am not having any. It’s like going on and on about the health benefits of quinoa to people starving in the desert.

Do the scientist take into account the health risks of being in a horrible relationship? Because I imagine those risks negate the benefits of sex.

Why are scientists studying this? It’s pretty easy to spot the couples who fornicate regularly in public – they’re the healthy-looking ones.

The more I think back on it, the more I regret not taking more risks with women. To avoid failure is to avoid life.

I just can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to go up to a woman I am attracted to and at least try to talk to her. There’s too much fear.

It reminds me of the community pool I used to go to. The deep end of that pool terrified me. It took me years to swim across it. But I did swim across it, eventually. Now I rarely, if ever, swim. So the whole endeavor of life is meaningless. I think I accomplished a lot here today.

Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 31

Here’s how I failed today:

I overate and then got sick. I knew, as I was overeating, that I was overeating. Nevertheless, I continued. I have this notion that when I order food at a restaurant, I have to eat all of it. I don’t like taking it home, because as soon as food becomes leftovers, I don’t like the taste. As soon as the food passes the threshold of the restaurant – that’s it – it’s over – it’s like taking the holy grail beyond the seal. Everything falls apart.

I also said to myself “I’m going to stop eating candy today,” and the I ate half of a bag of candy corn. So that’s how I’m doing with self-control.

I failed to write as much as I wanted to write today- I dedicated a full hour to it, and I really only got in about 35 to 45 minutes.

I failed to read enough – I’m not taking enough in – so my writing gets very circular – conveying the same things over and over again.

I failed to make love to a beautiful woman (or maybe a man, but most likely a woman).

Still recovering from overeating.

Josh and Failure Vs. The World: Day 30

Here’s how I failed today – totally tanked it at the open mic. Why? I cared more about what they thought as opposed to how I felt about what I was talking about.

I blamed the audience – something I really hate doing – it’s not their fault I’m not present.

Still eating badly – I ate an entire jar of Candy corn and a cookie.

So, what do I really care about? I don’t know, lately. Making a living as a stand-up comedian. Am I not getting up enough? Should I be getting up more – should I move to New York? I should be getting up more – I need to start hustling more. And I’m not working hard enough, either. I need to get up earlier in the day and really commit to the writing. A half hour is not enough. I need to commit to at least an hour.

But more than that – I need to genuinely not care about what the audience thinks of me, while simultaneously caring profusely about what the audience thinks of me. Stand-up is Zen Buddhism with rage and a bad diet.

I have the urge to write something else – a movie or a play – I always have this urge when the stand-up isn’t going well – which means I’m using those things to run away from this – I can’t run away anymore. I have to attack this head on. So I am resolved to get up earlier tomorrow, write more, and start getting up more around town. I have to. That is all there is to it.

And more jokes on twitter, like this one.

OVID: And that’s the end of my epic poem, The Metamorphosis.
AUDIENCE: God, man. Get a girlfriend.